Catholic News Service
As a woman and mom, I have always had a special connection with the season of Advent. Maybe I’m inspired by the strength displayed by Mary in the face of an unforeseen and life-changing request. Or, maybe the mom in me basks in the memories of the weeks before my own children were born.
But it was 15 years ago that Advent really spoke to me. It was in a way that I never would have imagined, though. And it all began with a phone call.
“You have multiple sclerosis,” I remember the doctor saying, very matter-of-factly. After those four words, I don’t really recall anything else he said. I was too busy imagining my world crumbling around me, my future being wrapped up in an uncertain haze.
But I do remember one thing. I remember wondering, Why me? I was too young for this. I had plans. I had kids.
The next few weeks were a blur of doctor appointments, phone calls, research on various medicines and treatments. In the midst of it all, was the question. The question that reared its ugly head every time it saw an opportunity — Why me?
“Try praying,” people would tell me when they found out about my diagnosis. “Maybe that will help you find some peace with your diagnosis.” All my prayers seemed to end the same way, though. Me ranting at God, and asking why I had to carry this burden. “Why me?” seemed to become my new mantra.
My faith, that had been such a pillar in my life, that had always been a source of comfort in times of need, was beginning to crumble.
With each month that passed, I slowly began to wrap my head around my new reality. By the beginning of the Advent season, I had come to a somewhat tenuous peace with both my multiple sclerosis and God.
Being mad at God wasn’t going to change my reality. I was stuck with this disease, and I was bound and determined to find some joy and peace in the Christmas season.
And then it happened. As I have found so often in life, sometimes the greatest insights come at your darkest moments — in the most unforeseen ways. As in sitting in church, listening to the Gospel. This week’s reading was the story of Mary’s “yes” when the angel Gabriel announced God’s plan.
I found myself wondering about Mary’s immediate reaction to the news. Was there ever a moment of “Why me?” I wondered. Because, if there was, it would have been completely understandable.
But, yet, there wasn’t. No, Mary simply said, “May it be done to me according to your word.”
A number of times over the next few weeks, I would catch myself thinking back to that reading and envying Mary’s complete trust in God’s plan. She didn’t know what the future held for her when she said “yes,” and yet she did it anyway.
I began to reflect and pray on Mary’s complete surrender to God’s will, in an attempt to open myself to God’s message for me. Over time, I began to hear less “Why me?” and more “Why not?”
Maybe, I began to think, there is a purpose for this path on which I’ve found myself. Maybe, like Mary, I just need to learn to trust in God’s plan.
I am in no way saying that I am anywhere near to being as open and trusting of God’s plan as Mary was. My “Why me?” days are still much more frequent than my “Why not?” ones.
On those days, I try to remember that God has a plan — even when I don’t exactly know what it is or why he chose me for it. Mary taught me that.
(Hines-Brigger is a columnist with St. Anthony Messenger.)
