Catholic News Service
In the heat of the moment, with tempers flaring and family members shouting out every ill-chosen word, the power of forgiveness probably is the farthest thing from anyone’s mind.
Forgiveness occupies a position of major importance in Christian life. Jesus wanted his followers to love even their enemies. Typically, however, those whom most of us are called to forgive are not actually enemies.
When we feel offended by someone and the question of forgiveness ultimately arises, it more than likely will involve someone close to us — a family member, a longtime friend or possibly a co-worker.
Usually, the people we forgive play vital roles in our lives. They have done so in the past, and we bank on the hope that they will do so in the future.
Forgiveness represents a vote of confidence in our future together. It powerfully reveals our conviction that this future together really matters and bears true promise.
One of the spiritual works of mercy that are the focus of considerable attention during the church’s current Year of Mercy encourages the forgiveness of “those who have offended us.” Offenses come in a wide variety of forms, however, with some much harder to handle than others. But no one, I assume, enjoys feeling offended.
What offense triggered the disagreement that left family members dodging each other’s angry remarks? Did this disagreement stem from a disappointment, the feeling one person had of being let down by another, forced, perhaps, to complete an exhausting task alone without the assistance that was promised earlier?
A misunderstanding, a failure to communicate effectively, also may have been the culprit in an angry squabble. People frequently do not hear each other well enough when it comes to planning long weekends, deciding how to contend with a child’s difficult behavior or what to do with the extra $250 in a tax refund.
“We make many mistakes. We all do,” Pope Francis told families from around the world in October 2013. That is why knowing how to forgive is so essential in families.
It happens, he commented, that “harsh words are spoken” in families. He recommended that family members “forgive one another each day.”
To be clear, the offenses many people experience in life strikingly exceed the bounds of the simpler misunderstandings and disappointments that often erupt into squabbles and short-lived exchanges of angry words in homes and workplaces.
Perhaps a once-trusted associate later fails to meet even the simplest demands of trust. Other times people are not told the truth about matters of great consequence for them. Possibly they experience repeated expressions of disrespect in the form of mean put-downs or bullying.
There are hard situations too, in homes and outside the home, when fear takes over and someone’s well-being and safety appear to be at risk.
People in such situations may need the support of others and responsible counseling to chart a course forward in which both charity and a healthy measure of self-respect play roles. It could take time for them to determine what forgiveness will mean, the forms it could take and how to be freed from any spirit of vengeance.
These kinds of difficult-to-handle situations prompt some to view the entire notion of Christian forgiveness as a weakness. They suspect that people characterized by forgiving attitudes are unable to stand their ground in the face of hurtful actions.
And when it comes to offenses of all kinds, there are those who fear that any readiness to forgive is a way of enabling others to continue the very actions that caused trouble in the first place. But if Christian forgiveness powerfully affirms the promise of the future, it does not authorize anyone to return to past painful behaviors.
Clearly, the call to forgive offenses is not a pious platitude. Forgiveness encompasses thoughtfulness, love and a willingness to count all that is good in another person, while not refusing to set boundaries or agreeing to be hurt again.
Rather than a weakness, forgiveness is courageous, Pope Francis believes. Speaking to youths in the Central African Republic, Pope Francis asked whether they understood what it means to be “courageous in forgiving, courageous in loving, courageous in building peace.”
During this 2015 African journey, the pope noted how “practitioners of forgiveness, specialists in reconciliation (and) experts in mercy” reveal to others “the secret of our strength, our hope and our joy, all of which have their source in God.”
Forgiveness, in addition, offers protection “from the temptation to seek revenge” against enemies and “from the spiral of endless retaliation,” the pope said.
Anger, it often is noted, becomes its own trap in many relationships. Anger gives rise to a spiral of continued anger, but forgiveness possesses the strength to break this cycle.
Forgiveness expresses faith, the faith that people can indeed change and grow. Thus, forgiveness can be viewed as a life-giving force.
For Christians, then, forgiveness is Godlike. It creatively and mercifully breathes new life into the very atmosphere surrounding human relationships.
Gibson served on Catholic News Service’s editorial staff for 37 years.
